


Here and Now

by SupernaturalPrincess9



Series: Sam and Dean: Songs from the Heart [6]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: First Kiss, First Time, M/M, Wincest - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-14
Updated: 2015-04-14
Packaged: 2018-03-22 19:53:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3741583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SupernaturalPrincess9/pseuds/SupernaturalPrincess9
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set in Seasons 6 - 8, a short story about Sam and Dean finally accepting what they are to one another.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Here and Now

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the song "Here and Now" by Poets of the Fall

Sam threw Dean up against the wall in the motel. Eyes burning with desire, he ruthlessly captured Dean’s mouth with his own, sliding his tongue deep, taking what he’d wanted for so long. 

Dean’s body had a mind of its own as he met Sam’s kiss with pent up passion. Sam growled as Dean’s tongue tentatively stroked Sam’s. Sam reached under Dean’s thighs and hauled him up, bracing him against the wall with his hips. As Sam continued to kiss Dean with a ferocity that took Dean’s breath away, Sam pressed his hardening cock against Dean’s and began thrusting, seeking friction against Dean’s own erection.

Dean gasped as he felt Sam’s cock rubbing against him. _Sam’s your brother!_ Dean shouted at himself in his head. _This is wrong!_ Dean broke the kiss with Sam and gasped. He was filled with disgust by his own actions. He couldn’t do this to Sam, not now.

Dean struggled to free himself from Sam’s grasp. Sam held on tight and tried to reinitiate their kiss.

“No!” Dean roared as he pushed Sam away, fighting to get his feet on the ground and then crouching defensively in one uninterrupted move. 

“No, Sam. We’re not doing that.” he spit out at his brother as he wiped his mouth with the back of his sleeve.

Sam coolly regarded him. “Why not, Dean? I want it and I know you do, too. Don’t you feel how good things could be between us? How fucking hot they could be?” Sam lowered his voice. “Go ahead and try to tell me you don’t after what just happened between us. You want this.” Sam paused and then added with a growl, “You want me.”

Dean worked hard at controlling his breathing. Slowly, he stood and looked into Sam’s eyes, his own face an expressionless mask that gave no indication of the emotional turmoil he felt inside. 

“I don’t want this, Sam.” Dean lied. “And neither do you.”

Sam barked out a laugh as he carded his fingers through his hair. “Really, big brother? I’m hard as hell right now and I’d love nothing more than to fuck you up against that wall.”

Dean closed his eyes and tried hard not to imagine Sam doing just that. When he opened his eyes, he was sorry he did.

Sam had his hand cupped around his cock, which was clearly hard and straining in his jeans. Dean did his best to avoid looking at it, but Sam began stroking his cock over the soft denim. 

“You wanna see just how fucking hard I am for you, Dean?” Sam challenged.

Dean did want to see how hard Sam was for him, but instead he turned away. 

“Sam… you have no soul. You don’t know what you’re saying. But I’m going to get it back. I promise you.” As much as Dean wanted Sam, there was no way he was going to take him like this and he vowed to himself that he would find a way to get Sam’s soul restored, putting the last few months and this episode in particular behind them.

Sam advanced on Dean, wrapping an arm around him from behind, pressing his hard cock right up against Dean’s ass. 

“I know you want this, Dean.” Sam said softly. “I fucking felt your cock respond to that kiss. You’re as hard as I am. Just go with it. Haven’t you given up enough?” Sam paused. “Haven’t we given up enough?”

Dean shuddered and extracted himself from Sam’s wicked embrace. He couldn’t bear facing Sam so he fixed his gaze on the wall as he spoke.

“I’ve given up plenty, Sam. But I’m not going to… I will not do this with you. You don’t know what you’re doing right now. You have no sense of right or wrong and I’m going to fix that. I assure you.” Dean swore to himself that he would find a way to make this right.

Suddenly, Sam spun Dean around, putting his hands on his shoulders, forcing him to meet his eyes. 

“I know I’m doing what Sammy always wanted to do if his conscience didn’t get in the way. I have all of his memories and he’s wanted you for a long, long time. He even knows that you want him, too. He’s seen the way you look at him. And you and I both know that’s true, Dean. Look me in the eye and deny it.”

Dean met Sam’s eyes with his own, carefully concealing the tumultuous emotions inside him behind a level gaze. 

“I don’t want this, Sam. That’s it. The end.” Dean broke Sam’s hold on him and grabbed the keys to the Impala from the table next to the door. “When I get back, you better be in your bed – or doing whatever it is you do all night when you’re not sleeping.”

It was light out when Dean returned. Sam was on his laptop, presumably doing research. Neither of them spoke for a long time. When they finally did, it was about their next case.

_I burn to make you understand_  
One wrong word and it all may come crashing down  
For the fates are devious by heart  
They envy you your dreams, so they'll let you drown 

_And there is no why, there is no how, it's like the sky, just one free flow  
But you're here right now, and this is your show, so take a bow, cos the show is on right..._

_Here and now with all dreams realized_  
Would you choose still more time to do  
Don't fall down when it's time to arise  
No-one else can heal your wounds 

It had been several days since Death had restored Sam’s soul, carefully building a wall to enclose the worst of his memories from hell. Dean had held a vigil by Sam’s bed, waiting for his brother to awake. Bobby could barely get him to take care of himself as he waited for Sam to regain consciousness.

Dean and Bobby took a break up in Bobby’s office, looking over the lore about the restoration of souls.

“Dean?” Sam said quietly from the door leading into the office.

Dean jumped up and turned to look at Sam. “Sammy? Thank god, you’re awake.” Dean could see his Sammy in every movement and facial expression. He felt the tightness in his chest loosen. “Sammy…” he breathed out.

Sam strode forward and pulled Dean into a fierce hug. Dean forced himself to not think about the Soulless Sam who had tried so hard to turn their relationship sexual. He suppressed his body’s reaction to the nearness of the one person in this world who touched him like no one else could and focused on having his brother fully back and safe with him.

Initially, Sam didn’t remember his time without a soul. He gradually realized that he was missing a part of the picture. Maybe a big part. It was easy enough to trick Cas into revealing everything while Dean was out with Bobby.

When Dean returned, Sam asked him to follow him outside.

The two men stood, leaning against the Impala, drinking a beer. 

“Ok, Sam… you wanted to talk privately. What’s up?” Dean asked.

Sam let out a long breath and stared off into the distance, gathering his thoughts. He started softly. “I know Dean. I know everything about my… my time without a soul.”

Dean sighed, running a hand over his face. “Let me guess: Cas. You tricked him, right?”

Sam nodded, without looking at Dean. “It’s not his fault. He trusts me and it was easy to get him to spill it. And… I’ve started to remember things as well. Bits and pieces.” 

Sam cleared his throat as he nervously broached the only subject he wanted to discuss. “For example, I remember throwing you up against the wall and… kissing you.”

Sam remembered every moment. He remembered how it felt to have Dean tentatively lick his way into his mouth, to feel his brother’s hard cock against his own. It was everything Sam had ever dreamed it would be… and yet, devoid of love. So he was glad Dean had put a stop to it when he did.

Dean felt heat crawl up his neck. Putting his empty bottle on the ground, he turned and put his hand on Sam’s shoulder, seeking to comfort both of them while showing that he wasn’t afraid to have contact with Sam. 

“It wasn’t you, man. You gotta cut yourself some slack.” Dean’s voice was earnest as he delivered the line. Part of him wished that it had been his Sam who had thrown him up against the wall, taking what they both wanted. The other part of him was glad that Sam couldn’t read his mind.

Sam gently removed Dean’s hand from his shoulder, turning to face his older brother. 

“That’s where you’re wrong, Dean. I know you want to believe that it wasn’t me, but me without a soul is nothing more than me without rules to bind my actions. It’s me in my purest sense.” 

Sam’s eyes reflected his torment as he looked straight into Dean’s. “I wanted it. So fucking much.” He whispered. “I… I still do, Dean.”

Dean took a step back. He needed some space between them to ensure that he didn’t do something stupid. Like grab Sam and press him up against the Impala, taking what Sam so clearly wanted to give. Dean had to stop this… thing… that had been happening between them for so long. He couldn’t debauch his brother with his own obsession.

“No, Sammy. You don’t.” Dean said forcefully. “Don’t you say that! It’s not true. The wall, the shock of your soul returning… you don’t know what you’re saying.” 

Dean closed his eyes, fighting back the tears he felt threatening to fall as he continued to fight back the desire he had to throw his brother up against the Impala and take him right there. This was not going to happen. Not on Dean’s watch.

Sam looked at Dean, sure in the knowledge that his brother had closed his eyes because he was completely disgusted with him. Sam shivered with dread as he walked up to Dean, leaning in to give Dean a gentle kiss on his cheek. “I’m sorry, Dean.” he sighed.

He didn’t elaborate as to why he was sorry. He just turned and walked away, feeling his brother’s gaze burning into his back. If Sam had turned to look at Dean, he would have seen the tears in his brother’s eyes and the intense look of longing in his gaze.

_Once again taboo becomes your law_  
What you want seems taken by another tide turning  
Away from our flower field where we used to lay beneath the sky,  
riding dreams to some other side 

_Do they burn, the wishes whispered, like secrets, they yearn, just to be heard  
I'm done with questions, I have no answers, the choice is yours, cos the show is on right..._

Dean cut into his forearm and let his blood fall onto the bones below him. “This better be you, Benny.” he gasped. He recited the incantation and waited.

From behind him he heard, “Dean, my brother.”

Dean spun on his heel and grabbed Benny up in a hug. “We made it!”

Dean found his way back to Sam. It was a new day and he was feeling good, back in the groove. He had his car and his brother. Nothing could bring him down. With the exception of Sammy’s contemplative mood.

And then came the revelation that Sam hadn’t even looked for him. 

That had hurt. A lot.

He did his best to consider Sam’s perspective and found that he actually got it. It wasn’t what he had hoped for, but they were making it through. Finding the bunker was a blessing in disguise. The journey getting there was hard, but it gave them a home base. And he was making the most of it: his own room, a kitchen… nesting was happening in every corner of the building.

Then Kevin deciphered the Demon Tablet. Just three trials stood between them and closing the gates of hell forever. Dean knew that Sam was still longing for a different life, so he made the decision that he would do the trials, keeping Sam safe. 

Dean figured completing the trials would ultimately lead to his death, but he didn’t really care anymore. He was tired. He’d been to heaven, apparently a lot more times than he remembered. There were worse things than visiting Ash at the Roadhouse and hanging out with memories of his mom. Didn’t matter that it wasn’t real… it was real enough.

He hadn’t counted on Sam having to save his ass and completing the first trial before he could even focus on the hell hound. They’d just have to start over.

Dean did everything he could to get Sam to see the logic of starting over, letting Dean take the burden of the trials. Sam was brilliant. He should be the one who stayed safe. Dean didn’t understand that Sam was tired, too. 

Sam had watched Dean settle into the bunker. He’d watched him nest. Every night, Sam went to sleep in a barely personalized room, longing for things he would never have. Every day was torture, being with Dean – wanting him – but never being able to touch him or to kiss him. 

Sam still thought of the one time he’d almost had everything he’d wanted. It didn’t matter that he hadn’t had his soul at the time. He knew what it felt like to kiss Dean and to have Dean kiss him in return. Sam knew that one time – just that once – would be the only time. If he couldn’t have Dean, the world held nothing else that brought him joy.

So he’d do the trials, and he’d likely die as a result. But that was ok. He was tired. He was ready. And Dean could go on, find a life… he could finally be free of the little brother who dreamed of having him in the dark of night.

_Here and now..._

_The bigger the lies_  
The more they want to believe them  
And like a vice  
Hold on to what they believe in 

_Here and now with all dreams realized_  
Would you choose still more time to do  
Don't fall down when it's time to arise  
No-one else can heal your wounds 

_Here and now with all dreams realized_  
Would you choose still more time to do  
Don't fall down cuz I need you to rise  
No-one else can heal my wounds 

“Dean… I can lead you to the light at the end of the tunnel, if you’ll let me…” Sam looked at his brother earnestly. With one trial down and Sam feeling the effects of whatever metaphysical changes were happening to him, he knew his time was short.

One last time he would bare his soul to Dean, with the hope that Dean would realize that they had so little time left together… who would it hurt if they finally gave into what they’d both felt for so long?

Dean looked down. “I want to follow you, Sammy.” His words were soft, falling from his lips, each one revealing his pain. And desire.

Sam quickly walked to where Dean was standing, using a gentle pressure from his finger to lift Dean’s face up. When their eyes met, Sam whispered, “Then follow me.” 

Sam’s eyes burned into Dean’s soul. “Follow me, Dean. Because there’s no light at the end of the tunnel for me if you’re not by my side. Don’t you know that by now?”

Dean’s eyes shone with unshed tears. “I… I… uh… Sammy…” he breathed. “You don’t need me… there’s something so much better out there for you. I want you to have it, ok?”

Sam took Dean’s face in his hands, cradling it gently. “Dean… I need you. I know without a doubt I cannot be happy if we’re apart. I knew it when you were in hell… and the year you were in purgatory? Your time in purgatory nearly killed me. I was empty.”

Sam gently traced Dean’s cheeks with his thumbs. “So… you think about that when I ask you to follow me, Dean.” Sam whispered, his eyes full of love and pain and need and desire.

“Sammy…” Dean whispered as he brought his hands up to Sam’s waist. “Sammy…”

Searching Dean’s eyes, Sam saw that Dean finally accepted everything he’d been trying to tell him for years. Dean offered no resistance as Sam leaned in and kissed him gently. 

“I love you, Dean.” Words so soft and full of love washed over Dean, releasing the fear he’d been hanging onto for so long.

Sam fitted Dean against him and captured his mouth in a passionate kiss. Dean moaned into his mouth, wrapping his arms more tightly around his younger brother, who had always meant everything to him… who had meant even this to him, although he’d been terrified to accept it.

There was no turning back. 

Dean broke the kiss and took Sam’s hand in his own, leading him to his bedroom. Dean’s hands shook as he began to unbutton Sam’s shirt. 

Sam wrapped his hands around Dean’s as he kissed him softly.

“Don’t be afraid, Dean.” Sam whispered. “This is right. We’re right.” Sam paused. “We’ve always been… right.”

“Sammy… I’m so sorry I pushed you away.” Dean said as he looked up at his brother. “In Bobby’s yard… when you told me how you felt… I should never have pushed you away.”

Sam pulled Dean into a hug.

“It doesn’t matter, Dean.” Sam whispered next to his brother’s ear. “We can have this now.” _For whatever time I have left._ Sam added to himself.

“I love you, Sammy.” Dean said as he recaptured Sam’s lips with his own.

Sam and Dean took their time removing each other’s clothes. They didn’t hurry. This wasn’t a time for frantic groping. This would be the time when they gave into the long suppressed passion and love and need that had made their relationship so complicated for so long. 

So much left unsaid for too many years. 

It was all in the open now and as they loved one another, the sins, the pain, the torment of the past melted away and all they had was the here and now… and it was more than enough.


End file.
